A BRIEF REFLECTION

Like many other people, like many other women, I have struggled hard with loving myself, and with understanding my purpose in life. At 18, I had my first panic attack, and it changed my life in imperceptible ways that still reverberate 20 years later. The journey after that day has included, among other things: bad decisions, self-medication in a variety of forms, shame, self-doubt, trusting too easily, trying to see the best in everyone else because I couldn’t see it in myself, unintentionally seeking external validation, loneliness, aimless drifting, wasted hours that turned into wasted years, and a host of other unattractive behaviors. I have gotten pretty good at projecting a confidence that I only sometimes possess. I eventually went back to school and got a teaching certificate, but by the time I completed my certificate, I was already making more money in another field and couldn’t afford the pay cut, so my teaching dream got put on hold. I’d wanted to be a mom, to have a child or adopt one that needs a mom, and I thought when that happened, I’d finally feel like I knew my purpose, but that didn’t work out and at this point, at 39, I don’t really hold out hope for that anymore. I’m glad enough now to be an aunt and auntie to a few incredible kids. The point here is that my “purpose” has undergone several uncompleted iterations.

It took me until I was in my early 30’s to find that there was a world outside of myself and that I cared deeply about civil rights and helping other people to secure true equity. I am ashamed to admit that it took me so long. Until then, I spent a lot of time on vain and self-absorbed pursuits, and along the way, treating my family poorly…I think about that a lot- the time I wasted, the time I spent not-recognizing the value in myself and the value in the people that have always loved me despite my myriad flaws. And I’m never going to be perfect, and I’m always working on my own limitations. And I’m positive I’m still guilty of it, but I try to be conscious of it, and to make up for it the best I can now. Sometimes I get lost in the larger picture and fail to recognize the details that need attention. 

My advocacy journey started haphazardly; I vaguely agreed to help a friend run his campaign for town council, without really knowing what I was getting into. Despite our lack of experience, he made an impressive run and lost only by two votes, losing only on a recount. We learned a ton in a very short time. Through this experience, I started making connections in the larger community; in politics and in advocacy and in charitable organizations, and I started to see places where I felt I wanted to bring positive change.

As my worldview and network expanded, I started to take an interest in LGBTQ politics; rights and advocacy.  I have always quietly identified as bisexual; but there was never a reason for me to identify as such more vocally.  I have always known who I am; I have always known what my preferences are. I am fortunate for not having had an internal or external struggle with realizing, practicing and living my sexual orientation. I recognize my privilege inherent in being white, cisgender, middle-class, and straight-passing. As I began to expand my work in “politics,” I began to recognize the need for me to more vocally and visibly identify as LGBTQ- I realized that there is a severe dearth of LGBTQ voices at the tables where decisions are made- “out” LGBTQ people make up roughly 5% of the total population, but do not hold nearly 5% of elected or appointed seats in municipal, state or federal government or government agencies. Alongside this, I have been on a journey to learn and listen about the needs of the underrepresented communities and the intersectional issues faced by underrepresented communities- LGBTQ communities of Color, our trans population, LGBTQ youth, LGBTQ communities with disabilities. And to elevate these concerns to a level where they are recognized, seen, and able to begin to be remedied. In this field, I stand on the shoulders of giants- people who have been fighting for recognition, rights and equity with their bodies, their words, their lives, for centuries. Alongside incredible advocates, legislators, and organizations, I hope we are honoring their legacy.

“Politics” is often a strange and difficult experience to navigate. As a woman- as an LGBTQ woman- as person who values their own privacy and struggles internally with anxiety and depression- as a person with a family and other commitments and a fulltime job- sometimes I feel like I lose my way within “politics”- with my place in the ‘system’- with my role as a leader. I am often racked with self-doubt: Is my voice too loud? Is my voice not loud enough? But what I come back to, what keeps me from throwing many years of my work and experience away and retreating to purely selfish pursuits, is to center myself with the reminder of the vast universe of work left to do, and to step back and elevate the voices that need hearing. If I succeed at doing this 10% of the time, I feel lucky to be allowed and capable to do the work. — Lauren Albrecht